I've been reading a few D/deaf blogs lately and I always walk away never quite sure what to think. What I do know is that it is tempting to jump into that kind of lifestyle again. To sign instead of talk or sign and talk and understand and keep up. To commiserate with those who struggle with hearing loss in a hearing world. To feel like part of the group. It's tempting to think that will bring satisfaction.
I've been all over eHarmony in the last couple weeks. Most of the time, I've walked away discouraged. I'm far too... traditional? Old-fashioned? Downright prudish? to initiative conversation myself. So I wait. And wait. And wait. For someone else to do it. And when they do, they're... how do I put this nicely? ... not quite my cup of tea. And when I do get matched with someone who is my cup of tea, my hopes skyrocket to frightening levels. It's tempting to think I'll find acceptance there.
It's been a tempting week or two. There's this constant craving to belong, to fit in, to be part of something, to feel included and content. It's tempting to think that things of this earth will satisfy those needs. Tempting to think that I'm in charge of finding my own way on my own, to think that I have the power to do that.
It's tempting to think my problems are only earthly. That all my issues are outside of me and not inside. But the truth is that my biggest problem isn't that I wear hearing aids or that I don't wear a ring on my left hand. My biggest problem is that I'm a sinner in need of a Savior. To paraphrase Paul Tripp, I want to think that my problems are outside of me and the solution(s) is inside of me, that if I just have enough self-esteem or strength of character, I can handle anything life throws my way. But the truth is that all my problems are inside of me and the only Solution is outside of me. All the self-esteem in the world won't free me from the problem inside of me. Only Christ - not hearing aids or rings - can do that.
I know my hope is in Christ alone and frankly, I've been playing that song (In Christ Alone - the Newsboys version) almost nonstop the last couple of days, hoping it'll make my heart catch up with my head. I'm thankful the Lord isn't dependent upon us or our emotions for His truth. What I know to be true is that God is enough. Hearing or deaf or single or married, Christ is sufficient.
I know this, but I battle to know it.
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
Romans 7:15-25 (ESV)
It's been one of those "wretched man that I am!" kind of weeks. But it's also been one of those "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" kind of moments. Praise God that His truth is objective and our shifting (and sometimes shifty) emotions don't undo it. Praise God that His truth is absolute and not dependent upon changing circumstances. Praise God that He is enough ... even when I don't "feel" like it.
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2 (ESV)
Praise God for the freedom we have in Christ. Praise God for hope.