Deodorant. Use it. Love it. Embrace it.

Random fact of the day: The ONE day I end up sitting in the same pew with a gaggle of fine young men WILL be the same day I forget to put deodorant on. Reason #284 that I am single, folks.

Hearing aids: Balance. I am pondering and pondering how to achieve this. I do not want to be one of those people who loudly "demands" this service or "deserves" assistance. People, the world is full of souls who are hurting and need help in so many different ways. What makes me any better than them and how highly do I have to think of myself to expect everyone to fall all over themselves to give me a hand when they have their own things to deal with? So no, I don't want to be one of the voices clamoring for attention - I'd rather be one of the hands offering compassion to a hurting world, because I hurt right along with them.

So with that in mind, where's the balance between being honest and admitting when I need help with something and not speaking up because to do so would just be one more thing on a very busy person's to-do list? What do I do in a crowded situation? Do I ask for help? How should I feel if the answer is, "No, I'm sorry, we can't do that right now."? Do I take one for the team and get what I can out of it with limited resources? How do I bear that well?

I'm just one person. Who am I to ask the world to stop and give me a hand? At the end of the day, does it really matter whether I heard every single word of the conversation or just 60% of it? On the other hand, while I'm keeping my needs to myself in order to make everyone else comfortable, I am wondering, "Don't I matter, too?" It's an angry question and a poignant one. Sometimes, I grumble and scream, "What about ME?! When is it MY turn?! Why doesn't anyone ever think of ME?!" Other times, and this is the one I have a hard time explaining to people, I truly am wondering - do I matter enough for people to make adjustments for me? Unless you've lived in my shoes, it's difficult to express how all the itty bitty slights I experience throughout the day or week - people getting frustrated when I ask them to repeat something, forgetting to include me in the conversation or just flat out ignoring me to accommodate their own comfort zone - all adds up to, "You don't really matter. You're not worthy of my time." So once in a while, I do ask, "Do I matter, too? Am I enough a part of this friendship/church/conversation/group that you're willing to put your comfort aside long enough to help me feel like I belong?"

So where's the line? Where's the balance between needing to feel included and needing to put myself aside for the sake of the people around me? Oy. Community is a tricksy, tricksy thing!

In other news: Must. Get. Passport. I've got the travel bug. And I need a traveling companion(s)! Inquire within! I haven't seen much outside the Midwest. Never been to California, the Pacific Northwest or the deep South (Nawlins, anyone?!). Never been out of the country, either, but I'm currently sans passport. So I'm determined to at least see as much of the U.S. as I can this year, vacation days permitting, of course. So far I'm booked for Columbus, OH this spring and maybe Vegas this fall. I'm dreaming about San Fransisco, New Orleans, Seattle and Chicago. We shall see.

Never thought I'd say this, but I'm getting tired of TV. Yep, you heard it here first! Lost excluded, of course.

Peace out, boy scout!

Of COURSE she did

Random fact of the day: I just bought a car. I've owned two cars before this and they were named Strawberry Shortcake and Dory (as in "Ah speeaaak whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale"), respectively. Strawberry Shortcake was a red car (surprise, surprise) and Dory was a blue (surprise, surprise) car. This new one is white and her name is Amelia. As in Bedilia. Anyone remember reading Amelia Bedelia books when they were little? Good times. Anyway, she's not Amelia because she's white, I just decided it was time to get away from the cartoon-y names because dangit, 2010 is a new year and I'll be 27 this year and maybe I should act like it. So I picked Amelia because she just felt like an Amelia and now every time I think of her as Amelia, I think of Amelia Bedilia. So, adulthoold fail. Meh. It's more fun this way.

Hearing Aids: Soooo I had to go to the DMV Thursday to get a new driver's license. I moved, oh, five months ago and am just now getting around to doing important things like establishing my residency and registering to vote. What can I say? I'm slow. Anyway, so I picked the wrong day to go. I somehow didn't put together that I went on New Year's Eve, probably the last day before school starts again. Good LORD, the teenagers, all scrambling to get their permits/licenses before they go back to school. ANYWAY... the place was a madhouse. My old DMV had everything in one place - you could renew your license and register your vehicle under the same roof. Not so much with this one. This was strictly for issuing permits and licenses, was much smaller and definitely more crowded than what I was expecting.

I am so easily overwhelmed in those kinds of situations. There's a lot of noise, it's hard to hear other people talk and I worry that I won't understand what's going on and will look stupid in the process. Anyway, so I go up to check in and sure enough, I have a hard time understanding the government employee. I have to explain that I'm hard of hearing and I'm having trouble understanding him. And aha, there it is. Raised eyebrows, raised voice, overly enunciating. Good times. I get my information and move on. I stand in line, trying not to stare at ALL THE TEENAGERS (and their crazy moms haha), trying to figure out how I'll know when it's my turn to go. Some clerks raise their hands to indicate they're free, others yell out. I hope whoever I go to doesn't just yell out. I watch each clerk, trying to figure out which one I would probably understand the best and pray pray pray that I get to their station. I note one clerk - an older woman who doesn't look like English is her first language. I know I shouldn't stereotype and I was mentally kicking myself for it, but accents are my #1 fear. That and cranky people. Anyway, I pray pray pray that I don't have to go to her station but alas, everyone else is busy so I walk over, thinking this is going to be interesting.

And holy Zac Efron, she did have an accent (see? Stereotyping was right this time)... of COURSE she did. Anyway, I gave her my paperwork, she asked me a question, I shook my head and explained once again that I was hard of hearing and having trouble understanding her. She was so sweet about it though, and had no problem writing things down when I just couldn't get it. So I was thankful for that, but my ego is always bruised in those situations, anyway.

Then it was on to the camera. At my old DMV, they snap your picture and then you sit and wait for a few minutes while they make your license and they call your name when they're done. That was the part I was nervous about. I can't understand what someone's saying so I have to watch their face. (This doesn't always work well in a situation when I'm waiting for someone to call my name (like at the doctor's office, for example) because there are so many people around me and "Lucy" sounds and looks a lot like "Susie" and "Holly" and "Clooney" and anything really that ends in a "-y" sound and what if they said someone else's name and not mine and I go up and it's not mine and it's awwwkward and these are the kinds of things that go through my mind regularly) So I figured I'd just have to ask them to wave me over when they were done. Well everything's fine with the picture (I am not going to lie, I look hottt) but when I leave, the clerk says a lot of things I don't catch and bids me goodbye. But wait! What do I do? Do I wait for a few minutes? Do I leave? Do I ask him to wave me over? What's happening? What did I miss? So I swallowed my pride and asked him if I needed to wait and he'll call me over or... what? He looks at me like I'm a little bit stupid and probably repeats what he just told me, that he had just given me a temporary permit and the real license would be mailed me to me later. I say, ok thanks and run out, embarassed.

I resigned myself a while ago to just having to be embarrassed from time to time ... sometimes I have to ask questions that I didn't realize were already answered (so sometimes it's easier to just not ask the question at all) or say something someone else already said (so sometimes it's easier to just not say anything at all). But I just hate when that happens. It's awkward, even when the other person knows me and understands that this happens from time to time. It's hard to swallow, and while I know that embarrassment is just part of life, I wish it didn't have to be such a regular part of mine.

In other news: it's midnight (Happy Sunday) and I'm amused by how many people are on Facebook right now.

Now I'm going to go watch Grey's Anatomy because they have reruns on at this late hour and I miss how it used to be. You know, good. (ooooh, snarky points for me. Boom, roasted. Bonus random fact #2 - I love finding the most inopportune moments to interject a "Boom, roasted." I do this to drive my brother crazy. Grand fun. Another adulthood fail.)