Some say looooooooove....

(Click here for a subtitled version)

I'm back on eHarmony. I'm weak, don't judge me. I got suckered in by the free weekend and before I knew it, I had signed up for a three-month membership. Whoops.

I keep going back and forth, though, over whether to mention my hearing loss on my profile. On one hand, I want to be upfront so that there are no surprises. You know, if someone kept something like that from me until we'd exchanged several emails, I think I would wonder what else they might not be telling me. I don't want to appear deceptive. On the other hand, sharing that kind of information is pretty personal and I'd rather someone got to know me as a person (and me get to know them better) before divulging my hearing loss. Hearing loss is easy to misunderstand and I wouldn't want someone to see "hard of hearing" in my profile and run the opposite direction because they think it is something scary and foreign.

I also wonder how a relationship works if one person can hear and the other is hard of hearing. Would my friends who are hard of hearing with hearing spouses/significant others chime in here? In my more melodramatic moments, I'm convinced that NO ONE will ever GET me if they are not hard of hearing themselves and in my more mellow moments, I remind myself that I'm a person first, and that personality and heart trump hearing loss... I think?

Talk to me. What are your thoughts or experiences on being in a relationship when you are hard of hearing?

I posted this a while ago, but I think it's worth sharing again... I hope it makes you smile!

When knowing I'm yucky makes me happy

You. Guys. It is 10 degrees. For realz. And they're saying mean things during the weather segments, like "wind chill" and "below zero" and "frostbite." Rude.

Didja miss me, internets? (I know, I'm vain. It's part of my charm.) If I did my math right (and that's always kind of a question mark), this is my 100th post! Bow chicka bow wow!

Anywhozzle, I've been feeling a little scattered lately. My apartment is a mess because I'm never here to clean it up and when I am home, I just want to watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother. I've got work, cavities, people, shopping, parties, crafts, hearing aids and "who am I/why am I here/ohmygawsh I'm having an identity crisis" to think too much about. It's so fun.

But when I get like that, all distracted and frustrated and annoyed, I start thinking that I can handle things on my own and that I am, in fact, all of that and a bag of chips (I know, I am so hip with the slang, I can barely handle it).

But today at church, our pastor was, as always (and in a good way), hammering home the point that there is something wrong with all of us, we're more ruined and awful and messed up and broken than we can ever dare imagine, and that Jesus is our only hope and came to fill our greatest need - our need for a Savior to save us from ourselves.

And all I could think was, "How come knowing how broken I am is the only thing that makes me feel complete?"

So funny how that works. Knowing who I really am - a mess - is actually the thing that makes me the most settled. Because the more aware I am of myself, the more I recognize my need for a Savior. And knowing the depth and desperation of that need causes me to treasure Jesus even more and myself even less.

Which, let's face it, is hard to do. We're selfish people. We think the world is about us. We're here to further our own agendas, meet our deadlines, make the best decisions for our lives and basically, do what we have to do to feel good. And when God says to us, "That's not really the way to happiness," we don't really believe Him, because His idea of joy and contentment is so radically different from our own.

But it's better. Harder and messier and raw, but better.

One of my pastors tweeted not long ago: "My parenting of my (young kids) is currently focused on 2 themes: You're not in control and you are deeply loved."

Which I think is a pretty good thing for all of us to know. We're not in control. We are broken, messy and falling apart - and there's nothing we can do about it. We can't make ourselves right and we don't have it all together. But. We are deeply loved by a Savior from whom we have received grace upon grace. God, who does not merely offer a solution to our problem, but who Himself is the Solution to our problem, loves us lavishly.

Which makes me feel pretty small, and God pretty big, which is exactly as it should be.

Monday Miscellany

Random fact of the day: I'm mildly worried around dogs. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm scared of them. I mean, I've dog sat before (Okay, just ONCE, but still). But I don't think I've ever been able to feel totally at ease around canines. I never had any pets growing up (except for the cat we eventually discovered I was allergic to and got rid of when I was nine) so I think I just never really figured out how to be cool around animals. Yes, even domesticated ones! Lame points = 1.62 million.

Hearing Aids: With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I've been thinking more about love and romance and all that gag-y stuff. I've never had a boyfriend and not really any prospects, either. I worry that guys are turned off by my weight and/or hearing aids. The weight, I can work on. The hearing aids, not so much. (There's no exercise program to regain your hearing! ;)) I wonder if guys look at me and think, "That'd be too much work." Repeating themselves. Not being able to enjoy the same things like going to concerts or big parties. Not being able to talk (easily) on the phone. Such little things but life is made of little things.

But then I remember that my life isn't my own, God has His own plans and if that includes marriage, then I can trust Him with those fears. And if He doesn't have marriage in mind for me, then all my worries are moot points anyway. ;)

In other news: I'm trying to read more and watch less TV. Lost notwithstanding. That one's a non-negotiable. ;)) My (short) reading list so far includes:

The Jewel of Gresham Green - Lawana Blackwell
Lip Reader - Shanna Groves
Relationships: A mess worth making - Tim Lane & Paul Tripp
Absolute Surrender - Andrew Murray
Suffering and the Sovereignty of God - John Piper and Justin Taylor, eds.

Progress is slow, but it sure beats watching every episode of King of Queens for the 473rd time. ;)