Mystery

Theology is a hard thing for me to talk about sometimes. Partly because I feel inadequate to discuss it. And partly because I know my theology is flawed. I'm not sure anyone has a perfect theology, but I just don't like to be wrong. ;)

As far as my theological beliefs, the Reformed tradition sums it up well. Calvinist. Sovereignty. Glory. Suffering. Community. These are the buzzwords of Reformed theology today. John Piper, Mark Driscoll and Matt Chandler are its spokespersons. Throw in other names like Challies, Keller or Carson and you will be up to speed on Reformed-speak.

One of the defining characteristics of Reformed theology is its intellect. We, the "young, restless and reformed" crowd, tend to elevate thinking about God and talking about God and refining our doctrine and explaining what we believe. Logic, reason and (usually) literal interpretation are the norm. But, I fear, we start worshiping the system. I have noticed this about myself. I become very concerned about whether or not what I am thinking or feeling or pondering or concluding is right. Do I trust in God's sovereignty enough? Am I doing community the right way? If I forget to end my prayer with "for the glory of God," am I going to hell?

That's not faith. That is clinging to works, to thoughts instead of God. It is easy, in the Reformed tradition of intellect, to overthink things (Maybe that is why I feel so comfortable among Reformed peers... I am an overthinker! ;)). To somehow lose God in the process.

I'm going to link to two other blogs now. You might find it ironic, especially if you're not Reformed, that I'm linking to Reformed blogs that talk about this very thing. We're an ironic species, we humans. Just go with it.

I've always appreciated John Piper. In the midst of some very frustrating and dark times in my life, it was Piper's sermons that the Lord used to draw me to Himself again. Certainly I struggle with elevating Piper to God-like proportions. I jokingly call myself a Piper-ette. Which is exactly the point I'm trying to make - the battle of intellect vs. the Person of God. But anyway, I appreciated what he had to say in a recent Ask Pastor John segment. John Piper's Caution for the New Reformed movement

Then I read this gem from The Resurgence today. Pretty much the same point, but a little more expansive.

I'm getting a headache from thinking. Certainly thinking has its place in Christianity. In doctrine, theology and daily living. God is the Great Thinker and if we are made in His image, we were made to consider, reason and ponder. But to do it apart from the heart of God is meaningless. I'm a very emotional person. So emotional that I just do not trust myself very much. I make a lot of decisions based on how I'm feeling that get me nowhere at best or prove disastrous at worst. So in order to counter the dangerous effects of emotions, I tend to stifle them. I shove them out of the way where they can't be a distraction and try to silence the pangs clamoring for my attention. There can be a time and place for that. But to do it all the time is, I think, dishonoring to the Lord. We're called to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." It is okay to have an emotional walk with God, or an emotional spiritual experience. To be overflowing with passion or gratitude or love or tears or pain. To really feel it.

Along those lines, I think that is why imagination is important. We've been going through the book of Colossians at church and the concept of mystery in relation to God has come up a couple times. Particularly Colossians 1:26-28 - "[T]he mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints. To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ." It's not mystery like God is withholding something from us unfairly, but that He is so incredible and vast that there are just some things we'll never quite be able to wrap our heads around. Or that won't be made known to us apart from His timing. But I like that there is mystery. That we won't ever get tired of plumbing the depths of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God. That there is always something to explored, some new perspective to gain, new mercies to be realized. That there is room for wonder and excitement among logic and reason.

Dining, drive-thrus and drives

Random fact of the day: I love driving nowhere in particular. My perfect vacation would probably be a road trip across the U.S.



Hearing aids: I love Sonic. Or rather, I love their Cherry Cokes. I don't go very often, though. Partly because I'm trying to wean myself of a sugary-drink addiction but mostly because I don't do drive-thrus (okay, technically Sonic is a drive-in but whatever. Work with me here). I can't understand what they say at the intercom and I'm terrified I'll end up ordering too many onion rings.

Oh, I know of deaf or hard of hearing people who will just bypass the intercom and go straight to the drive up window and place an order there. Or what I've done in the past with Sonic has been to push the button and ask for someone to come out and take my order. I quit doing that when they kept coming out with paper and pen for me to write down what I wanted. :p

But when I have my youngest brother in the car with me, we can whip through the drive thrus. He does the listening and I do the talking. It's not a perfect system, but it works. Sometimes I wonder if I could bluff my way through ordering. I know they'll say something like, "Hello, How can I help you today?" and I can place my order. But it gets tricky after that. Will they ask if I want fries with that or will they just tell me how much it is and to go ahead and pull up to the window? I can't think of a neutral phrase that would satisfy both possible scenarios.

In other news: It's spring again. For now, anyway. It doesn't say so on the calendar, but right now, at 8:07 pm, my Weatherbug reads 59 degrees. It's spring, friends. I love new beginnings. I love that God is a God of new beginnings. Of starting fresh. Of forgetting what is behind and pressing on towards the goal. Of second (and third and seventh and 37th) chances.

I have been gripped by fear lately. I had been facing the question of, "If God is good, why do bad things happen?" much more intensely than before. Oh, when it comes to suffering and God's sovereignty, I often fool myself into thinking I have a handle on it. Hearing loss is suffering. I've made my peace (erm, mostly) with God's sovereignty over it. (This doesn't mean I never whine, or wonder, or wish for something else. Just that most of the time, I'm able to say, "God's in control of my hearing loss.") And really, I know I could have it so much worse. Whatever I suffer in my hearing loss is so much less than what other people suffer every day in their minds.

So it's been keeping me awake at night - how can God stand by and watch all this evil happen? How can He sit there while people are tortured, raped, sold, attacked? Shouldn't I be terrified of a god who would do that?

But then He reminded me that, as always, I had it oh so wrong and was, as usual, asking the wrong questions. God doesn't sit by while these things happen, He sits *with* us when they do. He never promises that we will be without trouble, but He does promise we will never be alone when we face it. And He always, always delivers a new beginning from it. Definitely in the life to come, maybe sometimes on this side of Heaven, too.

"... Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster." - Joel 2:13

God is not eager to send disaster. He doesn't gleefully rub His hands and twirl His mustache like He's plotting something devious. He doesn't cheerfully whip out God's Giant Bag 'O Pain and dump it out on an unsuspecting world. He relents over disaster.

I don't know why we sometimes see God like that. Probably because He threatens our illusions of security, of ourselves. When pain comes, we wonder why it happened, as if we are special and entitled to sorrow-free lives. So when bad things happen (and they will), in our heart of hearts, we are wondering, "How dare God allow that to happen. I don't deserve this." No, we don't deserve this. We deserve far worse and we fail to see how God is merciful in our pain.

We've been reading Mark 13 at church - Jesus is talking to His disciples about the day of judgement. One thing that keeps catching my eye (and heart) is Mark 13:20. Here's the context:

“But when you see the abomination of desolation standing where he ought not to be (let the reader understand), then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. Let the one who is on the housetop not go down, nor enter his house, to take anything out, 16 and let the one who is in the field not turn back to take his cloak. And alas for women who are pregnant and for those who are nursing infants in those days! Pray that it may not happen in winter. 19 For in those days there will be such tribulation as has not been from the beginning of the creation that God created until now, and never will be. And if the Lord had not cut short the days, no human being would be saved. But for the sake of the elect, whom he chose, he shortened the days." Mark 13:14-20

This reminds me of when Abraham was pleading with God not to destroy Sodom. "If there are 50 righteous people here, will you hold back? Will you not destroy the city?" Abraham asks of God. God agrees. "For the sake of 50, I won't destroy." Abraham persists and ask the same question. "How about 45? 40? 20? 10?" Each time, God says, "For the sake of 45, 40, 20 and 10, I will not destroy the city." (Genesis 18:27-33) It may not seem like it, but God is holding evil at bay for our sakes. If we're attacked, or mutilated, or raped, or hurt, or robbed, or ignored, or left out - God is holding evil back. He is showing grace and mercy even in the middle of hurt.

Horrible things are going to happen. Jesus isn't shy about sharing that. He tells us in John 16 that we will have tribulation. Life is going to be hard. And I daresay the Christian life is incomplete and lacking without suffering. There's no such thing as a prosperity gospel, which says that if we just believe enough, we'll be healthy, wealthy and wise. I know sometimes we think, "If I just love God enough, He'll keep me safe." or maybe, "If I ask Jesus into my heart 12 times, nothing bad will ever happen to me." Not so, friends, no matter how much we want to make it so. God promises suffering.

But even in suffering, in pain, in hardships, when the day is long and the night is pitch black and you don't know which way is up or right or backwards, He will be gracious. In ways we can't see or maybe even know here, He is holding evil back. Whatever pain comes our way - it will never be as bad as it could as if He had no reign over it. The very worst thing I can ever imagine in this life is complete abandonment from God. And that is the very thing I can be absolutely sure I will never have to suffer - because Jesus already did. He already bore the wrath of God and God literally turned His back on His Son so that He would never have to turn His back on us.

Sometimes knowing that He is sovereign over evil makes me a little nervous - what more suffering does He have in store for me? Sometimes I don't think I can take any more. But I can stand in confidence that whatever suffering is waiting - I won't do it alone. I won't be abandoned and I will find grace and mercy in the midst of evil.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:37-39

You'll never walk alone

Random fact of the day: VeggieTales are alive and well in my house. Things I've re-learned this weekend include, but are not limited to: God is bigger than the boogey man, a thankful heart is a happy heart and God made you special and He loves you very much! (insert cheesy grin)

Hearing aids: I've been reflecting lately on how lonely it is inside these hearing aids. Not in a wah-wah, poor me, life is soooooooooo hard kind of way. Just in a let's face it, this is the way it is kind of way. Even when I'm around people, it's hard not to get wrapped up in my own thoughts because trying to keep up with everyone gets tiring. Can you imagine a world in which the only person you could rely on to be a source of entertainment, a conversation starter or a deep thought sharer was... you? And not being able to find the words to explain to people what that's like? It's just lonely sometimes. And I wish I had better words to explain it. I think if people really know what when on inside of someone's hearing aids, they might be quicker to help. More eager to include. So this is me doing my best to put it out there.

In other news: I know I ragged on the Winter Olympics earlier, but I found myself watching them over the last few weeks. I cheered when Shaun White won a gold. I cried when Joannie Rochette skated. I sat on the edge of my couch during men's speed skating. And I loved that millions across the country and around the world were doing the same thing.

I'm really not an athletic person. My idea of hiking involves a gym and an elliptical. Skiing is best left to the pros and ice skating conjures images of butt-ice contact. No thanks. But I was riveted by the Opening Ceremony and have been following a bit of the Closing Ceremony tonight. I love that even in hard times - in the midst of earthquakes and wars and racism and tsunamis and terrorism and a thousand other horros - we can put aside our differences long enough to play some games. To just shut it all out for a little bit and cheer and cry and celebrate together.

One of my new favorite Olympic commercials is that "You'll Never Walk Alone" one that P&G has done as part of its "Moms" series. (Lyrics here) Love it. I always mist up at the end. Partly because, come on, how can you not? Mom's-my-biggest-fan doesn't leave dry eyes often. And partly because isn't that something we all need to know? To press on when things are tough and maybe even scary? That there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that we'll never go through it alone?

The song isn't an overtly Christian one, but the last lines say it all:

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone

As long as that hope is in Christ, we will never walk alone. Even when I'm at my loneliest, I'm never really alone. And there is a tremendous amount of relief wrapped up in that one little sentence that all the words in the world couldn't do it justice.

The hills are aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive....

Random fact of the day: I hate doing dishes even though I have a dishwasher. I don't like putting them away for some reason. So I end up just retrieving (clean) dishes from the dishwasher when I need them. It's like having an extra cabinet! :D

Hearing Aids: I love music. I wouldn't say I'm as up to speed with what the cool kids listen to these days, though. Out of ALL the songs they sang on Glee this past fall, I knew... two? I grew up listening to Christian music - I had it in my head that anything else was just evil. (Yet I watch "secular" TV with noooo problem. Hm) Plus honestly, the cool kid music is hard to hear. Like bands today purposefully record their albums so that the music overshadows the lyrics. The Christian artists I listened to tended to be easier to hear because they didn't do that (some do, I know. I don't listen to them lol).

Anyway, I've always been thankful that God in His grace left me enough hearing to enjoy music. (I am pretty sure I owe my early spiritual formation to Michael Card. ;)) It's a process for me to learn a song. I have to memorize it by following along with printed lyrics and once I memorize the lyrics, I also memorize beats. I even used to count how many seconds between the opening instrumental and the first lyrics so I wouldn't miss anything. If anything's off, if I count just half a beat too slow or too fast, if I forget just one line, I've lost my place in the song and while I hear the music, it doesn't make sense anymore. I can no longer appreciate it the way the artist wrote it.

Isn't life like that sometimes? The last several years and in particular, the last six months, have been something else. Church hurt. I got angry. And stayed angry. I moved out. I moved in. I got a job. Got left out. Railed against hypocrisy while being the poster child for it. I lost my place and while I could live some kind of life, it paled - pales - in comparison to who Jesus is.

I was listening to an old CD yesterday. I hadn't listened to it in years. I forgot some of the lyrics. I remembered the chorus, but that was all I remembered. For the life of me, I could not remember anything else but the chorus. I get so frustrated when that happens. Just one more lapse in communication. I prayed, as I always do, "God, please, help me understand the music!" And almost immediately, I heard the last stanza as if I'd been singing it all my life.

When I doubt, when I wonder, when I struggle, when I lose my place, when I ask, "How could You do this to me?", the answer is always in a song. I think God sometimes plants specific songs on purpose - they get stuck in my head and I'm forced to listen to the message all day. :) Like He sings the song back to me when I've forgotten the words... on the CD and behind the hearing aids.

The Arrow and the Song
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I shot an arrow into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For, so swiftly it flew, the sight
Could not follow it in its flight.

I breathed a song into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For who has sight so keen and strong,
That it can follow the flight of song?

Long, long afterward, in an oak
I found the arrow, still unbroke;
And the song, from beginning to end,
I found again in the heart of a friend.

In other news: I'm hosting brunch tomorrow! So, it's off to chop and brown and slice and prepare! I love it!