Please don't tell me it's not important

I searched the airline employee's face in frustration. She had just made an announcement about my flight. At least I think she did. I heard "12 minutes" but that was about it; her mouth was obscured by the loudpseaker she was using to get her point across. I couldn't read her lips and I didn't understand what she was saying. I stole a quick glance around and noted that none of the other passengers waiting at the gate seemed alarmed by her message, so I was assured that there was no cause for concern.

But still. I had to solve the mystery of the 12 minutes because I like to know things. I'm nosy like that. So I asked the person next me. I explained that I was hard of hearing but I didn't catch the announcement. Could he please tell me what it said? He was kind to oblige me and as it turned out, we would be leaving in 12 minutes (I know, riveting solution, you can rest easy now). But then he said, "It wasn't anything important."

I smiled and thanked him but inwardly, I was groaning. It may not have been important to you, I grumbled on the inside, but it might have been to me!

I know, I know. In the grand scheme of things, no, it wasn't that important. I could have easily deduced what the 12 minutes were about and knowing that there wasn't an emergency, I could have boarded the plane in peace. And it's very likely that the gentleman who told me it wasn't important was just trying to assure me that there wasn't anything crazy going on.

Growing up, though, "It's not important" were three difficult words to swallow. "What did he say?" I'd ask a friend, because I so desperately wanted to know what everyone else knew, to fit in, to belong. "It's not important," was a common reply, because it would have taken too long to repeat, maybe. Or it was too complicated to explain. Maybe it really wasn't important.

The thing is, though, we don't get to decide what information matters to someone else. We can't assume that because we find one piece of information useless that someone else will feel the same way about it. We don't know what's going on in someone else's life or plans or day - maybe they really do need that information, however inconsequential it seems to us. It's kind of like a detective show... we've probably all seen an episode of CSI/Law and Order/NYPD Blue/(insert favorite cop show here) where a rookie cop overlooks an important piece of evidence that would have sent the bad guy right to jail. He didn't speak up because he thought it didn't matter, but if he had just passed his information on, the case would have closed long ago.

Are you with me? When it comes to hearing loss, those of you who can hear would be doing those of us who cannot a huge favor if you just pass the information on and let us decide for ourselves how to use it. When others decide whether something is important or not, sometimes I feel as if they're really saying that I'm not intelligent enough to make my own decisions - and that is harder to deal with than the hearing loss itself.

Travel

Last week, I flew to Vegas, baby! I really feel like saying I'm going to Vegas isn't complete without the punctuation of "baby!" A "yeahhh!" would be a nice touch, but let's not get out of hand.

I got to preboard the plane because I am hard of hearing. I felt a little bad, like I am cheating. It's not like I need physical help getting on the plane, and if I had been travelling with someone who could tell me what the announcements and such were, I would have opted out of preboarding. But the thing is that I am travelling alone, no companion to tell me if we're about to go down in flames. Although I think that would be pretty easy to figure out. But I just like someone to know that I won't be able to hear the announcements. How else will I know if the plane has to make an emergency stop or that bad weather is preventing us from landing?

I flew Southwest and they are pretty good about accommodating hard of hearing passengers. When I ordered the tickets online, there was an option for me to enter my phone number so they could text me if something came up. That little feature came in handy when the flight was delayed (twice!) and later when we had to move to a different gate. Of course, they were making those announcements over the intercom and I could hear the noise of it but not understand what they were saying.

And when we had to switch gates, I actually hadn't gotten the text yet so I wasn't completely sure what to think when about half the people at the gate got up and started walking in the same direction. I mean, I kind of gathered that we were switching gates, but I felt a little insecure not having heard it for myself. So I followed them until I found a flight information screen and found the right gate. By the time I figured out where I was supposed to be, the text came through... a little after the fact, but whatevs.

Also, while I was waiting at the new gate, I eavesdropped on a conversation between a deaf passenger and one of the Southwest employees. The deaf passenger was asking if this was the right gate for the flight and then explained that she didn't know because she couldn't hear the announcement. I talked to her for a little bit myself, very nice lady. But she looked like she felt so sorry for me when I told her that I just followed the crowd and checked the flight status screen. She had just been asking other passengers to relay the info to her and conveyed that it was sad that I had to figure things out for myself. Huh what? I mean, yeah, information wasn't as quickly or as readily available to me as it was for the passengers who could hear the announcement, but a few minutes and a little thinking outside the box and I was good to go. I didn't feel sorry for myself or mad at Southwest for having to check the board. I just did what I had to do to make sure I knew what was going on.

Yes, as a hard of hearing person, I may have to adapt a little more to my circumstances and no, it's not always fair that I don't have the same information presented to me in the same way or always at the same time as other people, but so what? It's not sad that I use my brain to figure things out on my own or consider what other resources I have at my disposal. Maybe I missed a good opportunity to educate an airline on what to do with deaf and hard of hearing passengers, but at the same time, in this case there wasn't really a need. I felt they were already doing the best they could and I don't know what scolding them for not coming and telling me which gate to move to would accomplish. I did eventually get a text from them telling me where to go and I had other resources to use.

There's a fine line between advocating/raising awareness and adapting, I think. Some deaf/hard of hearing people seem to demand that they receive information and services and attention and get quite upset when their needs aren't met in a timely manner. I'm all for equal access, but let's use our brains, too. We don't live in a perfect world and frankly, I've been noticing lately just how many of us (deaf, hearing and everything in between!) expect life to be comfortable and roses and sunshine all the time, and it's nice when we have those moments, but life in general is not like that. We don't live in a fair world and sometimes we just have to cope the best we can. For the hard of hearing, sometimes this means going without the communication assists we are used to and finding or coming up with other ways of getting the information we need. A lot of times, those other ways are just as good as having an interpreter or captioning or personal attention. Other times it will be uncomfortable or tedious or barely sufficient, but oh well. Life goes on and I would rather do hard things and maybe be a better, more adaptable person for it than to demand the easy things and live a life of constant disappointment.

Whew. End rant.

On a lighter note, Vegas was fun. I went to visit my cousin and her family. We went on the strip a couple of nights, once to walk around and the second to visit Madame Tussad's (wax museum). We also went to the Hoover Dam, went on a train ride and kicked each other's butts at Mario Kart. Good times, and pictures to follow on Facebook. Eventually. I am the slowest picture uploader ever.

I really do like to travel and my wish list for next year includes Florida and Washington D.C. Who's with me?!

Deodorant. Use it. Love it. Embrace it.

Random fact of the day: The ONE day I end up sitting in the same pew with a gaggle of fine young men WILL be the same day I forget to put deodorant on. Reason #284 that I am single, folks.

Hearing aids: Balance. I am pondering and pondering how to achieve this. I do not want to be one of those people who loudly "demands" this service or "deserves" assistance. People, the world is full of souls who are hurting and need help in so many different ways. What makes me any better than them and how highly do I have to think of myself to expect everyone to fall all over themselves to give me a hand when they have their own things to deal with? So no, I don't want to be one of the voices clamoring for attention - I'd rather be one of the hands offering compassion to a hurting world, because I hurt right along with them.

So with that in mind, where's the balance between being honest and admitting when I need help with something and not speaking up because to do so would just be one more thing on a very busy person's to-do list? What do I do in a crowded situation? Do I ask for help? How should I feel if the answer is, "No, I'm sorry, we can't do that right now."? Do I take one for the team and get what I can out of it with limited resources? How do I bear that well?

I'm just one person. Who am I to ask the world to stop and give me a hand? At the end of the day, does it really matter whether I heard every single word of the conversation or just 60% of it? On the other hand, while I'm keeping my needs to myself in order to make everyone else comfortable, I am wondering, "Don't I matter, too?" It's an angry question and a poignant one. Sometimes, I grumble and scream, "What about ME?! When is it MY turn?! Why doesn't anyone ever think of ME?!" Other times, and this is the one I have a hard time explaining to people, I truly am wondering - do I matter enough for people to make adjustments for me? Unless you've lived in my shoes, it's difficult to express how all the itty bitty slights I experience throughout the day or week - people getting frustrated when I ask them to repeat something, forgetting to include me in the conversation or just flat out ignoring me to accommodate their own comfort zone - all adds up to, "You don't really matter. You're not worthy of my time." So once in a while, I do ask, "Do I matter, too? Am I enough a part of this friendship/church/conversation/group that you're willing to put your comfort aside long enough to help me feel like I belong?"

So where's the line? Where's the balance between needing to feel included and needing to put myself aside for the sake of the people around me? Oy. Community is a tricksy, tricksy thing!

In other news: Must. Get. Passport. I've got the travel bug. And I need a traveling companion(s)! Inquire within! I haven't seen much outside the Midwest. Never been to California, the Pacific Northwest or the deep South (Nawlins, anyone?!). Never been out of the country, either, but I'm currently sans passport. So I'm determined to at least see as much of the U.S. as I can this year, vacation days permitting, of course. So far I'm booked for Columbus, OH this spring and maybe Vegas this fall. I'm dreaming about San Fransisco, New Orleans, Seattle and Chicago. We shall see.

Never thought I'd say this, but I'm getting tired of TV. Yep, you heard it here first! Lost excluded, of course.

Peace out, boy scout!