Thankful for you

(Much of the correspondence that takes place among my church seems to end with the same affection: "Thankful for you." Hence, the title, apropos to this sincere story of appreciation for my church family.)

Today, I went up to my church to help wrap gifts for Affordable Christmas - an event that gives families in our community an opportunity to purchase Christmas gifts at extremely reduced prices. It's an amazing way to get to know the people who live in the area where the church is and I really enjoyed chatting with the families who came. And somehow wrapping gifts seems so much more fun when it's for someone else! :)

Before I went up to the church for my shift, though, I was battling anxiety and almost wanted to back out. I knew that the gift wrappers would be in the gallery, an area that tends to render almost everyone hard of hearing on Sunday mornings because it's not the most acoustically sound (ha, see what I did there?) place in the building. In other words, it be loud up in there! I only have one good hearing aid right now while I wait for new ear molds to arrive at my audiologist's office. I can't lipread and wrap presents at the same time. How was I going to engage with the shoppers and wrap their gifts at the same time, unable to filter out the dull roar of background noise?

But I was convicted that not going would be worse, so I made my way over and asked the gift wrap coordinator if she could pair me with another gift wrapper so that someone would have my back if communication became a problem. She happily teamed me up with another volunteer who graciously answered questions that I missed  hearing and helped carry on conversations with the shoppers. While all that was going on, we worked together to wrap gifts. I'm so thankful for those two ladies who were willing to help me be part of the team!

That led me to reflect on the other ways I'm able to serve my church family. I help our children's ministry most Sundays and there have been a few times where I wondered if I was the best person for the job. Trying to field questions from parents and volunteers, help volunteers troubleshoot the check-in process, interact with kids who haven't learned how to enunciate yet... all in the very same gallery that reaches fever pitch every week. Shouldn't someone with better hearing be doing this? Would I serve my church family better by stepping down and letting someone who is better equipped step up? Am I making Sunday mornings more complicated for other volunteers who have to do their own jobs in addition to helping me communicate?

But every time I've raised the question with other volunteers or staff, the answer has been a firm "NO." If anything, they ask me what else they can do to make sure that I am able to fulfill my duties every Sunday. They don't let my disability get in the way of my ability to serve! They don't just minister to me and make me the object of their compassion and kindness - though they do that as well! - they equip me to serve along with them. They embrace 1 Corinthians 12, especially verses 14-26:

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body. 

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

Having the right heart and attitude toward someone who lives with a disability is so important for a church that is seeking to love the "weaker" members. Formal ministries and programs and schedules and plans and events can be good ways for a church to connect with those who have a disability, but all of those would fall short without the right heart. I'm grateful to be part of a church that faithfully preaches God's goodness in and sovereignty over the hard things like disability and takes the Bible seriously when it says that we are all one in Christ.

So church family, I am indeed thankful for you, and delighted to grow with you - for God's glory and our joy!

To cochlear or not to cochlear

I always figured I would get a cochlear implant... someday. I don't have any special reasoning behind this other than that it just always felt like the natural order of things. I've been operating under the assumption that eventually, I'll lose all my hearing (I've lost most, but not all) and would need a cochlear implant... someday. I never had any time frame for this mysterious someday... it just wasn't right now so I didn't concern myself with the particulars.

But now, I find myself drawn to the topic with surprising frequency. In two short years, I'll be 30. I don't know why, but getting a cochlear implant always seemed like a very 30s thing to do. Old enough to be sure that it's what I want and young enough to appreciate the benefits, bounce back from the surgery quickly and (knock on wood) handle the rehabilitation process with more ease (in theory, anyway... everyone responds to surgery differently, I know. I'm just sayin'... generally speaking, there are benefits to having this kind of procedure while I'm in my spring chicken stage of life).

I'm not sure I could pinpoint any one reason why I think getting one is a good idea. I'm concerned I might want one for the wrong reasons. I'm tempted to think it will make me "more hearing," and thus help me to fit in. But hearing aids and cochlear implants aren't like glasses. When I put my glasses on, my vision is, for all intents and purposes, back to normal. Being deaf or hard of hearing isn't like that, though. Hearing aids, cochlear implants and assistive listening devices can help fill in some of the gaps, but they do not "cure" hearing loss.

I know this, but still I wonder... would music sound sweeter with a cochlear implant? Could I learn to recognize speech without always having to look at someone? Would having a cochlear implant help me be more aware of my auditory surroundings?

On the other hand, I am doing well with my hearing aids. Why rock the boat? Also, getting a cochlear implant is permanent; if for some reason the implantation or activation was unsuccessful or if I decided I just didn't like it, then my understanding is that I couldn't just go back to wearing hearing aids. Finally, I know my hearing aids, how to care for them and what the world sounds like with them. A cochlear implant seems so foreign and I suspect that's where most of my hesitation comes from - a fear of the unknown. 

So I'd really like to hear from others who have a cochlear implant. What prompted you to get one? How do you feel about the results? And if you are deaf or hard of hearing but do not have a cochlear implant - why not? Do you wear hearing aids or use any other assistive listening devices?

Young whippersnappers

Continuing with this old lady theme I'm rocking, try this one on for size.

When I was growing up, it never really occurred to me to turn off my hearing aids, other than at bedtime or once in a very great while and even then it was in jest. Like when my dad was singing obnoxiously, I would make a big show of turning of my aids and effectively "muting" him. Ha. Ha. But other than that, I was too nervous to intentionally leave myself in silence for longer than a few minutes. What if I missed something?

But now lately, I find myself doing it all the time. Even at work. I've been known to spend the better part of the week in my little cone of silence. I can't filter out background noise. It just turns into this churning mass of hums, clicks, murmurs and whirs, all shaken up and poured out into my ears. It's always been bothersome, but I relished hearing while I could. Now, though, it's like nails on a chalkboard. The whir of the printer, the high heels clacking on the floor, the voices - and not just the ones in my head, thankyouverymuch - floating all around... cacophony. Jarring, grinding, nagging, irritating cacophony.

And I can't figure out why this is bothering me now when it never really has before. Maybe it's a change in my environment. Not having to share my living space has made me more comfortable with silence, perhaps, and so the rhythm of everyday life is suddenly jarring. Or maybe my hearing loss is changing somehow, or getting more progressive. Maybe I need to change my hearing aid batteries. Or my personal favorite, I'm old. Let's face it, people. I'm in my pj's by 6:15. I'm sprouting white hairs. Hymns are my favorite music these days.

I'm just one defiant "you young whippersnappers!" and a shaking fist away from the early bird special at Luby's Cafeteria. Come visit me at the nursing home, k?

Old lady

You guys. It is 8:29 p.m. and I'm in my pajamas. And I have been since 6:15. And I'm pretty sure that if I was laying down on my couch right now, I'd be losing a battle with my eyelids. I know, I am a wild woman. Don't hate.

I have about zero original things to say today, so I'll just point you to a couple of links I thought interesting.

Last night's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition took place in Oregon. Instead of giving a family a new house, though, Ty and co. gave Oregon School for the Deaf new dorms! Neat-o supreme-o (oh my, yes.i.did.just.say.that. Old lady alert)! You can watch the video at ABC's website - and with subtitles, too! Marlee Matlin made an appearance and several of the students got new hearing aids from Starkey. So nifty (I'm just full of old school today)!

And then today over at (e's blog, she talks about conversational delays. It's one of those things that I notice about myself but at the same time, I don't. I'm so accustomed to these pauses that I barely notice them anymore. But I'm glad (e blogged about it, because I genuinely thought maybe something was wrong with me that it took me a few seconds to process information! ;) So now you know. When I stare at you blankly from time to time, I'm just trying to catch up.

Okay, the grandma in me is ready for some couch time, warm milk and either a book or Star Trek: TNG. It's an old lady kind of evening, and that's peachy keen with me.

RIP, eHarmony

Yup, you read that right. I closed my account on eHarmony. Because $60 is a lot to pay for one month and even though the monthly payment gets cheaper if you opt to do it for longer ($20/month for one year), it still adds up. I have insurance to pay for. And you know, food and stuff. A roof over my head. Frivolous things like that. I don't think I would recommend eHarmony to anyone, but it was an interesting experience nonetheless.

Anyway, I haven't had a "Hearing Aid" segment for a while, so here are a couple of thoughts:

On Vulnerability: I'm not a big swimmer. I mean, I like splashing around in the pool some, but I'm not crazy about getting wet (outside of baths and showers, that is). And I also am uncomfortable with the vulnerability that comes with not having my hearing aids in when I'm in the pool. Because without my hearing aids, I can't hear anything whatsoever at all (except for really, really high pitches. And my brother's band, apparently). I know D/deaf people do it all the time, and I'm amazed at their strength to go through life with absolutely no hearing. If that day ever comes for me (like if I lose even more hearing as I get older), I'm confident the Lord will keep me and I am thankful that I do know sign language and that the Lord has blessed our generation with such an abundance of technology - new ways of communicating are cropping up all the time! But for now, I find my hearing aids bring me more independence and even joy... there are sounds I would miss if/when I lost all of my hearing. Like music. How do people live without it? I think I also use auditory cues more than I realize. Like at work, I can hear the printer whir two cubes over. So when I print something, I listen to make sure the print job got sent and I listen for the whir to stop, too, so I know when it's done with my stuff.

On Technology: I expect to lose all of my hearing some day. I went to the audiologist a couple of years ago and he said that I had lost ten percent of my hearing since the last time he tested my hearing, which was ten years before that. I don't think about that reality very much. I often assume I'll be old and knocking on Heaven's door before hearing aids are no longer useful to me, but I can't know that for sure. So in the meantime, I try to be more careful and protect what hearing I do have. I try to keep my TV and stereo at reasonable levels and turn off my hearing aids altogether when I'm in exceptionally loud situations.

Every now and then, I think about getting a cochlear implant, and while the idea is less frightening to me than it used to be, I'm still wary. I mean, they drill a hole in my head! I had a friend who got a cochlear implant and she told me it took three years before she was comfortable with the implant and relearning how to hear. Three years. That's a heckuva adjustment period. I'm intimidated by that. I know, I know, the benefits would outweigh all of that. The same friend told me that now she can talk on the phone and carry on complete conversations without having to watch someone else's face all the time. That sounds magical to me. For the record, cochlear implants don't make people hearing. My friend doesn't consider herself hearing now. She still needs to ask for clarification and while she can talk on her cell phone, she only does it with select people that she's learned to recognize (mostly family members, if I recall correctly). So a cochlear implant isn't perfect any more than wearing glasses makes someone suddenly acquire 20/20 vision. Your eyes are still farsighted or nearsighted or whatever, the glasses are just an aid to make things easier. So it is with hearing aids and cochlear implants. They can be a great help, but they don't bring perfect hearing.

idk, my bff chloe?

Random fact of the day: My hearing aids used to buzz right before I got a text message. I think they were picking up the signal but part of me likes to think I was just a little psychic.

Hearing aids: Speaking of text messages, let me introduce you to Chloe. Chloe is my faithful sidekick... literally, my Sidekick III from T-Mobile. ;-)



(I got that photo from the internets but you get the gist). I love her. I (obviously) don't have a voice plan (I can't talk on the phone unless it's a CapTel or similar device), but for $29.99 per month, I get unlimited text, web and email. Not too shabby, friends. It seems to have been a pretty popular choice among the deaf and hard of hearing community when it first came out but I'm wondering if improved technology (iPhone, iTouch, iWhatever) has changed things. Anyway, I love my Sidekick and yes, I named her Chloe after the character in 24. I'm a nerd. Just go with it.

Before the Sidekick, I had a Motorola 2-way pager:



Literally all it was good for was sending texts. I was glad to even have that option at the time but I'm so thankful for how far technology has come in just a few short years!

In other news: I feel like a senior in college. Caged, a little burnt out, ready for the next big thing. Except this time, there's no First Real Job to look forward to. No Living On My Own For the First Time lurking on the horizon. Those were the Next Big Things after college. What's the Next Big Thing(s) after those? If you say marriage and/or babies, I'll face palm you. (I'm not saying I'm against either one. I just have trouble seeing myself as a wife or mother. Or as soon-to-be sis-in-law called it once, a "wother." Or a "mife," I suppose. I digress.)

So tell me, friends, is this the elusive Life we all speculated about in college? Going to work, paying the bills, connecting at church, stalking people online? (Maybe that last one's just me. Hm.) In between all of that, making friends, hanging with the fam. To be brutally honest, I'm bored. For now, I'm okay being a little bored since last year was so un-boring, but I'm getting restless for change again. I think spring does that to me.

The ones in my ears

Random fact of the day: Tortillas should come with an instruction manual. #1 should be, "Not safe for toaster ovens." I may or may not have started a small fire last night because I failed to consider this fact.

Hearing aids: A couple of posts ago, Kerrie asked about my hearing aids. Kerrie, I'm not sure if you were asking about my literal hearing aids - the ones I wear in my ears - or if you were using "hearing aids" the way I tend to on this blog, to discuss hearing loss. But I figured I never really mention the ones in my ears so I'll go with that for now! ;)

I wear two Behind-The-Ear hearing aids (BTEs). I wore analog aids for maybe 20ish years, and really, all they did was make things loud. A few years ago, I switched to digital hearing aids (yaaaaay technology) that do a better job of filtering out background noise and helping me zero in on specific sounds. This is what my hearing aids look like:



except mine are more beige. This one is kind of cool because it comes in a variety of colors and designs. I wasn't brave enough to get something that flashy!

These aids have four different programs and with the click of a small button on one hearing aid, I go from automatic to silent (this one is my favorite LOL! I call it my mute button) to quiet to more quiet to music and back again. I don't really know if they're called quiet and more quiet, that's just how I differentiate between them, ha! Anyway, I don't know all the technical differences between the two, but basically, they help in situations where maybe I'm in a crowded room and I'm just trying to listen to the person next to me. Those settings help filter out the background noise and focus on the sounds in my immediate proximity. Other situations could include a noisy office (like computers humming, printers whirring, AC/heating coming on and turning off, and so on), traffic, etc.

The hearing aid photo is incomplete - I don't just wear that thing behind my ear and let the sound leak in. I wear earmolds in my ear that are attached to the hearing aid by a soft plastic tube. You might have to look closely, but I think this photo does a good job of showing the different kinds of hearing aids:




The kind I wear is the second to last (if you are looking at it from left to right). You can't see the mold very well, but oh well. Some people opt to get colored molds - especially popular with kids! But I've seen adults with zebra-colored molds, blue and white swirls, etc. I've always gotten clear ones, but maybe it's time to think about having fun with them... hm. Anyway, I have to get new earmolds every few months. They eventually wear down and will start causing feedback in the hearing aids. I can tell I need new earmolds when they start feeling hard and when the tips are yellow. I can probably go nine months or so before needing new ones and it probably costs about $150 for two.

Kerrie's original question is how do my hearing aids differ from those of her grandpa's. Well, Kerrie, I don't know your grandpa that well, but I see a lot of older people wearing in the ear hearing aids. which you can see in the first four panels of the photo above. I'm not really up to speed on how those work. How do they change the batteries? How do they go in and out of the ear? How do they not get lost/stuck in the ear canal?!

Kerrie's other question was basically, do screeching kids irritate your hearing aids? The short answer is no. Outside of worn down earmolds or tiny, undetectable tears in the tubing (this happens a lot in the summer. All that humidity) that cause leaked sound and therefore feedback, there's not a lot that will cause the aids to go haywire. This was different with my analog aids - if you got too close to me, like to give me a hug or something, you'd probably hear feedback from my aids. These digital ones are a hardier species. ;) But that's not to say that noises don't bother me. Even though the aids are better at filtering noises out, they're not a cure. They're like eyeglasses in a way. Glasses help you see better but they don't cure your eyesight or make you have 20/20 vision. So even with the filtering, I still hear background noise and overlapping chatter and all that. Just like you, I sometimes find that irritating but unlike you, I can't always identify it. It all just blends into a cacophony of noise, and that can be irritating. For example, I was having one of those days at work today where every noise felt like nails on a chalkboard. The noise wasn't any different than any other day at the office, but today, it was just grating on me. So I hit my mute button and lived in blissful ignorance for most of the afternoon. It. Was. Grand!! :)


In other news: During my last (full) year of college, I lived in these apartment-style dorms on campus. One of my apartment-mates and I got into the habit of calling each other Deer-y. Yes, deer as in doe. I've long forgotten how that inside joke got started - some combination of a play on the word "dear" and that wacky college humor, y'know. Anyway, for purposes of this story, I'm going to refer to said apartment-mate as H. Deer. Just go with it. No worries.

Anyyyyway. H. Deer was a very intense Olympics fan, and the year we lived together was a Winter Olympics year. She talked about it for weeks. She was so excited about watching all the events. I listened with a mixture of amusement and confusion. Her excitement was adorable but I honestly could not understand anyone getting so excited over sports. I mean, really... sports and Lucy just do not compute. I had not yet acquired the level of appreciation for the Olympics that I do now. Pretty much anything involving moving or snow was worthless to me.

So this one night, I had been laying on the couch pretty much most of the evening, surfing from one random show to the next. Around 9:45, H. Deer, who had been gone all evening, if not all day, bounced back to the apartment and begged to watch the Olympic events. I don't remember why it was important - she hadn't watched it all day or it was getting close to the end or it was a really really important competition. But whatever, she was just dying to watch just a few minutes of it.

Now me, being the Sheriff of the Universe and all :p, instead of being gracious and relinquishing the remote to her, got all huffy and pointed out that I was here first and there's only about 10 minutes left of my show, so I just want to finish it first. Taken aback, she politely pointed out that I had already been watching TV all night, the Winter Olympics are only on every four years and this was really important to her. Not to be outdone - justice had to be served, after all - I yelled that I didn't understand why this was so important to her and therefore didn't see why she had to watch it right that second.

"Well," H. Deer informed me calmly, "you don't have to understand it. You just have to know it's important to me."

And since I was sooooo mature back then, I threw the remote at her and stormed off to my bedroom and proceeded to tell my roommate just how mad I was at our apartment-mate. "Oh," she said, and went back to her homework.

But from H. Deer, I learned a very valuable lesson. I don't need to know everything all the time. I don't need to know why something is important to someone - I just need to know that it is and seek to serve them accordingly.

I've had a couple of different.... discussions, shall we say, with a couple of different people in the last few weeks. I wish I kept this lesson front and center more often. I think a lot of arguments could be avoided if we all just remember that we don't always need to know that answer to why?. We just need to be.

So I decided to be hearing for a few minutes

My youngest brother's (16) band had a concert tonight. I didn't have my right hearing aid in (still need to call the audiologist!) and since the music was so loud, I turned off my left hearing aid.

And I could STILL hear the music in my right ear!

So just for kicks, I took out my left hearing aid and I could hear the music in both ears LOL! I decided to just go with it and enjoy being "hearing" for a few minutes!

Hilarity aside, it did concern me for the band members and the people there... my mom (who probably knows my hearing loss history better than I do) said I shouldn't be able to hear anything without my hearing aids until the noise hits the same frequency as a jet plane. That's LOUD, folks! All those kids jammin' to music as loud as a jet plane without any protection for their hearing... methinks I won't be the only hard of hearing person I know for very long!

I actually considered putting an earplug in my right ear just to protect the precious little I have left. Don't take it for granted, folks. Cover those ears! See my parents setting a fine example. ;)

Brownie points for ABC!

Random fact of the day: When I was 12, I had no idea how to use a round hairbrush. It got stuck in my hair once and I cut it out. My mom was not amused. Anyway, once my "bangs" grew a little, I styled the hair into some weird curl framing my forehead. Fast-forward to today. I desperately need a haircut because my bangs are ridiculously long and all I can think about is my reverting to my fashion-lacking 7th-grade self.

Hearing aids: I emailed ABC because for the last few weeks, Scrubs hasn't been captioning properly and I've done enough sleuthing to know that it's not a problem with my TV but with the network or affiliate. And wonder of wonders, ABC actually emailed me back and I also got an email from the Chief Engineer (or something) of my local affiliate. He asked some questions about the captions so I sat down to watch the ABC lineup tonight to see how they were malfunctioning... but of course, NOW they work. Kind of like when you go to the doctor and you're suddenly cured of whatever brought you there in the first place. :p But anyway, I just really appreciate that they even replied to my email. I thought for sure it would get buried under the thousands of emails a day that ABC claims to get. So props to ABC for the follow-up.

I need to call my audiologist. I get new ear molds maybe two or three times a year. It's rare for them to fit perfectly right when I get them and sometimes after a couple months, the ear mold will start irritating my outer ear. It itches, it bleeds a little... so I go through this cycle of applying antibiotic cream, leaving the aid off for a couple days, letting the sore clear up, wearing the aid, going back to irritation in a few days. I really do need to call the audiologist so they can reshape the ear mold. I'm really glad one of their offices is just down the street from me AND they don't charge for things like this. Win.

In other news: My blanket tried to electrocute me. I guess that's what I get for wearing fleece pants, shuffling around my carpeted bedroom and then trying to handle my warm and fuzzy polyester blanket. Zing!

Well, I'm off to conduct more captioning research... ;-) Stay warm!