I am pretty sure that my pastors must have some kind of microchip implanted in my brain. How else could they deliver a sermon every single Sunday that sounds like a page from my life? They are up to something. I just know it. ;)
Our church is going through the book of Colossians and today was Colossians 3:5-6.
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming.
The pastor talked a lot about how if Jesus is our only hope, then our actions should follow suit. His biggest fear, he says, is that we will think that behavior modification is the path to salvation. That if we just do this thing or don't do that other thing, but don't deal with the heart issue, that everything will just be hunky-dory. Then he said something like, "There are so many people here who have been sweet and nice and quiet in the church and they stay under the radar. They are leaving sins in their hearts unchecked because they think they've cleaned up their outside but not their inside and no one ever noticed them enough to speak into their lives about their heart issues."
It was at that point that I considered having my place swept for bugs. I just know they're listening in on me. Do you hear me, pastors? I am on to you.
I've always known that I'm a sinner and I need a Savior and Jesus is the only way to Heaven. But I've never fully realized my tendency to blame others when things go wrong, or when I'm sad, or when life is overwhelming. For example, I've been indulging lately in feeling lonely. This inevitably leads to feeling angry and bitter. Clearly, this is everyone else's fault because they don't reach out to me even though I try to be more engaging. Shame on them for failing. And this is also not something I signed up for, but my hearing loss forces me away from people and makes communication harder to achieve. So really, it is not my fault that I get mad or frustrated - if I wasn't hard of hearing, I wouldn't be this way. So obviously, it's not my fault that my actions haven't been lining up with the person God has called me to be. Obviously.
Then I did that thinking thing. Ugh. It always gets me into all sorts of trouble. I thought. And I pondered. I toyed with the idea... "What if it's not them? What if it's me? What if I have particular sins that drive people away? What if I am not as marvelous and wonderful and delightful as I think I am? What if I am not a victim but an instigator?"
I've always been that fly-under-the-radar kind of person. I'm nice and helpful and bend over backwards for people. But I don't let people get too close. I'm open, but not vulnerable. I'm the shoulder to cry on but I won't lean on yours. On top of that, I'm pushy, nosy and demanding. I'm a know-it-all and think highly of myself. My soul is so riddled with pride, criticism and self-righteousness. My problem isn't other people and what they've done or not done to me. My problem isn't that I live with a profound hearing loss and all that that entails. My biggest problem is that I'm a sinner, that there is something inherently wrong with me, that I love to sin and do things that dishonor God and hurt my relationships with other people (We don't think of it like that, that we "love to sin." But it's true, we do. We're more passionate about making ourselves happy - even with seemingly good things like families, food and fellowship - and feeding our egos than we are about loving God).
The problem is me. Maybe when I pester people to go out to lunch, that's a turn-off because what I'm really doing is not respecting their boundaries and demanding my own way, that my needs be served. Maybe when I get mad that other people seem to have more friends, I'm really just coveting that they got what I wanted. I'm like a three-year-old complaining that the other kid is playing with that toy, even when I have a perfectly good toy in my own hands. I'm greedy. And maybe, just maybe, all the overthinking I do isn't the result of some drama that just came to me... maybe I'm actually the instigator by all the thinking I do because I'm trying to control something that I can't.
See, those are the earthly things Paul is telling us to put to death. I loved the colorful way our pastor put it today (I'm paraphrasing. I don't take notes during the sermon, so this is based on my own recollection. Eek): "Be passionate about annilihating anything that would rob you of your affections for God. Put it to death."
That sounds trite these days. Put our sin to death. Jesus is our only hope. God is enough. Jesus died to bring you to God. We say them so often and they've been absorbed into our church-ese that they don't mean anything to us anymore. Indeed, I had even been getting a little anxious with our pastors because they basically were preaching the exact same sermon every week. Didn't matter what the text was, the final message was always, "Jesus is our only hope." I wanted to scream, "I KNOW! So now what?!"
But the more I reflect on the truth that Jesus is, in fact, my only hope, that my sin is so great that it separates me from God, and that apart from Him, I can't make myself good or right, the more I realize how much I do not live a life that responds to that hope. I cling to things like work and family and friends and company and TV and food and dreams of marriage to fulfill me but they never, ever do. Never. That sounds trite, too, to say that God is enough. But really, we live like God + ____ = enough. Oh, what a lie we buy into when we think that. How we insult God's holiness when we say as long as He gives us this, that and the other AND Him, then we'll be okay. But the truth is that if your family and friends and company and TV and food and marriage were pulled out from under you, if they were all gone tomorrow, all you would be left with would be the Lord and that would still be enough. Do you know that? I mean, do you really know that? Or are you waiting for God to give you things that you think make you happy, instead of resting in Him alone who is your greatest joy?
If Jesus is my only hope, Paul says, I should abhor the things that starve me of my affections for Him. Because God is enough, I should be waging war on "what is earthly in [me]: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry." I shouldn't be waging war on perceived slights or the unfairness of life, but on the things that would draw me away from the Giver of life... and rejoicing that He has brought me near by the precious blood of Christ.
One of the songs we sang at the closing of the service was "I Am One of Those" by Nathan Partain. Google it. Find it. Listen to it. I don't know how to embed audio or video here (I'm a slow blog learner), so you'll have to do the dirty work. But the last stanza brought it all home for me:
I am one of those, who was hard to love and ugly
Self-righteous, critical; religion was my stain,
Then I came to Christ to wash and be discovered,
Jesus came to me and covered up my shame.
I am hard to love and ugly... but Jesus came to me and covered up my shame.
Something's wrong with me. Only Jesus can fix it. This is the gospel. This is grace.
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Battling the stupid blues
Random fact of the day: Uhhhh... I got nothing random today. Except for silly things like how I know when it's time to trim my nails, how often I check my mailbox at home and what I'm thinking about for dinner. Basically, I am a Grown-Up now and it is dull sometimes.
Hearing aids: I struggle with feeling stupid (at worst) and inadequate (at best). If I could be perfectly honest with you, and I mean this in the most not-vain way possible - I think I'm a lot smarter than people give me credit for. But because I often don't take opportunities to speak up or people don't give me such opportunities, whichever, I feel like I come across as something less than I am.
When I'm constantly having to ask for repetition, I feel like I look ignorant. If I answer a question that I heard but not one that someone asked, I look like I don't know what I'm talking about. If I stay silent during lunchtime chatter or serious discussions, I appear dim. At least that's what it feels like. But people, I'm so freaking aware. If only you knew how much I use my eyes to make up for my ears. I wonder how many discussions of "Where did ____ go?" or "Did we pass that store?" could have been resolved if someone had asked me - while you were talking to each other, I was taking in all the sights and noting all the details.
It's important to me to know. To be aware of what's going on around me, so I am always looking around, always trying to figure things out. And then, because I spend so much time in my own little world, I think things through a lot. Sometimes this is dangerous and I end up over-thinking things and make mountains out of molehills. Sometimes this is good, as I end up exploring every possible angle to something. My point is just that I know things. I'm not dumb. Just because I don't speak up doesn't mean I have nothing to offer. I have so much to share if I just knew the question, knew what someone needed. I may be a little blonde, but I'm not that blonde. ;)
In other news: Census? Check. Taxes? In progress. Adulthood? Boring.
(Before I jump into this very random thought, please note that I am reflecting on our sin nature, not reflecting on who we are when we're new in Christ. I'm reflecting on the type of people we are when no one is looking)
Do you ever get mad on someone's behalf? Like if someone wrongs your friend, you get mad at whoever did the wrong-ing? Or maybe you get mad at God when your loved one suffers? Are you madder than if it was you in the same position? Do you get more upset when something bad happens to someone you love than if that same something bad had happened to you?
Sometimes I do. I wonder why we get upset on someone's behalf. I suppose the sweet and romantic answer is that we love the person in question so much that we hate to see them suffer. But I have a hard time believing that. I mean, I'm sure it's true sometimes but let's be honest here. We're sinners, you and I. It's in our nature to fend only for ourselves and even those of us who are in Christ battle this nature constantly. There's nothing in our sin nature that should cause us to care more if someone we love is hurt than if we ourselves are. Our nature dictates that we should be angrier when we are wounded than if someone else is.
No, I think when we get upset at someone's misfortune, we're really upset that life is suddenly not about us. We have to consider someone else other than our selves and that is contrary to our nature. So we try to "fix" it quickly - by throwing out platitudes and well meanings and warm wishes and therapists and hot showers and retail therapy and drugs and doctors. We want to fix it because the sooner their pain is over, the sooner we can get back to more important matters, namely ourselves. (That's not to say that there's absolutely no part of us that cares about other people. We are made in God's image, after all, and so even when we don't know Jesus, I think that there is something in each of us that does recognize that our self is so little and Someone else is so big and better. But at our sinful cores, we really only want ourselves.)
But really, all we can do is recognize our hurting friends/family are broken just like us and pray for the grace to not enter their pain or frustration without the name of Jesus on our lips and in our prayers.
Hearing aids: I struggle with feeling stupid (at worst) and inadequate (at best). If I could be perfectly honest with you, and I mean this in the most not-vain way possible - I think I'm a lot smarter than people give me credit for. But because I often don't take opportunities to speak up or people don't give me such opportunities, whichever, I feel like I come across as something less than I am.
When I'm constantly having to ask for repetition, I feel like I look ignorant. If I answer a question that I heard but not one that someone asked, I look like I don't know what I'm talking about. If I stay silent during lunchtime chatter or serious discussions, I appear dim. At least that's what it feels like. But people, I'm so freaking aware. If only you knew how much I use my eyes to make up for my ears. I wonder how many discussions of "Where did ____ go?" or "Did we pass that store?" could have been resolved if someone had asked me - while you were talking to each other, I was taking in all the sights and noting all the details.
It's important to me to know. To be aware of what's going on around me, so I am always looking around, always trying to figure things out. And then, because I spend so much time in my own little world, I think things through a lot. Sometimes this is dangerous and I end up over-thinking things and make mountains out of molehills. Sometimes this is good, as I end up exploring every possible angle to something. My point is just that I know things. I'm not dumb. Just because I don't speak up doesn't mean I have nothing to offer. I have so much to share if I just knew the question, knew what someone needed. I may be a little blonde, but I'm not that blonde. ;)
In other news: Census? Check. Taxes? In progress. Adulthood? Boring.
(Before I jump into this very random thought, please note that I am reflecting on our sin nature, not reflecting on who we are when we're new in Christ. I'm reflecting on the type of people we are when no one is looking)
Do you ever get mad on someone's behalf? Like if someone wrongs your friend, you get mad at whoever did the wrong-ing? Or maybe you get mad at God when your loved one suffers? Are you madder than if it was you in the same position? Do you get more upset when something bad happens to someone you love than if that same something bad had happened to you?
Sometimes I do. I wonder why we get upset on someone's behalf. I suppose the sweet and romantic answer is that we love the person in question so much that we hate to see them suffer. But I have a hard time believing that. I mean, I'm sure it's true sometimes but let's be honest here. We're sinners, you and I. It's in our nature to fend only for ourselves and even those of us who are in Christ battle this nature constantly. There's nothing in our sin nature that should cause us to care more if someone we love is hurt than if we ourselves are. Our nature dictates that we should be angrier when we are wounded than if someone else is.
No, I think when we get upset at someone's misfortune, we're really upset that life is suddenly not about us. We have to consider someone else other than our selves and that is contrary to our nature. So we try to "fix" it quickly - by throwing out platitudes and well meanings and warm wishes and therapists and hot showers and retail therapy and drugs and doctors. We want to fix it because the sooner their pain is over, the sooner we can get back to more important matters, namely ourselves. (That's not to say that there's absolutely no part of us that cares about other people. We are made in God's image, after all, and so even when we don't know Jesus, I think that there is something in each of us that does recognize that our self is so little and Someone else is so big and better. But at our sinful cores, we really only want ourselves.)
But really, all we can do is recognize our hurting friends/family are broken just like us and pray for the grace to not enter their pain or frustration without the name of Jesus on our lips and in our prayers.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Counting my blessings! Really!
Random fact of the day: I have to edit a lot of bridge columns at work. I can now tell you an awful lot about bridge except how to play it.
Hearing aids: One of my hearing aid batteries quit on me today and I didn't have any extras in my purse. It's not that big of a deal, really. Just annoying. It's like all the sound in one ear just gets cut off. Makes me feel off-balance. But it's different when I deliberately choose to not wear one hearing aid (usually because the earmold doesn't fit right or something). That doesn't bother me. Getting caught without spare batteries does. Weird, right?
I buy batteries in packages of 16. They usually cost something like $13, $14 per package. Not great, not horrible. I change my batteries maybe once every couple weeks, or once every week and a half or so. So I figure I use four batteries a month. So one package can last me several months.
A few weeks ago, I walked into Radio Shack to get more batteries (Radio Shack is my supplier, yo). They were marked as $2.99 each. I thought for sure it was a typo and they were really $12.99 each. NOPE. They REALLY were $3 apiece, so I bought six packages. YUP. That is like two years' worth of batteries for $24!!! WIN.
I've been thinking about hearing loss and relationships. I've blogged a bit about that before (here, here, here, and here ) but I don't really talk about the good things. There are good things and there are good friends and people who DO want to help. I think that often I just look at the ways that hearing people do relationships and how much easier they have it. When I look at my own life and realize it doesn't look like theirs - I don't function like they do, make friends like they do, etc - I assume I've failed. I think that others don't care because they don't interact with me the same way they interact with others.
But the thing I need to get is that's not true. I haven't failed. Just because people interact with me differently doesn't mean they don't care. It does mean they have to put a little more effort in and yes, I think that sometimes people who haven't gotten to know me are intimidated by that, but for every one like that, there are five who aren't. And yes there are times when people forget to speak clearly or they look away or get a little impatient, but how can I fault them for that? How can I expect them to remember everything all the time? How can I, when I'm human, too?
I'm so grateful for my church. They WANT to help me communicate and get plugged in and DON'T WANT to see me isolate myself and they recognize the dangers of doing so. We're learning together, I think, how to navigate this communication thing. I'm so thankful for my friends there - who pick up a notebook and jot notes for me. Without asking. For friends who know sign language and can clue me in from across the room. ;)
I'm thankful for my friends and family (who I totally take for granted) who love me for ME and chastise me for ME and tease me for ME and not for my hearing aids. And even the stuff about me they don't like - that doesn't have anything to do with my hearing aids but everything to do with who I am as a person. I love them for doing things like having a quiet side conversation with me at a crowded party. For cheerfully planning one-on-one activities, for texting instead of calling, for tagging along to movies that are 30 miles away.
I wouldn't trade my job for anything. Not because of the work itself but because of my bosses and co-workers. They so freely and naturally clue me in when it's apparent I've lost my place in the conversation. They choose the quiet part of the restaurant when we go out to eat. They let me know what I missed when we have company-wide meetings. They say things like, "If you ever need anything, let me know!" "What can we do to help?" "What if we tried this?"
Man, I've really got it good.
In other news: I'm going to pull a Seth Meyers and do my own version of "REALLY?!" (the clip I linked to isn't captioned, so please forgive me if there's any offensive content!)
Winter Olympics? Really? The Olympics for cold-blooded creatures who think they're too cool for normal sports? Also known as the Games That Remove All Hilarity From Thursday Night's Lineup. Really?
Google's Buzz - REALLY? What is this? Facebook for Google? Foogle? Twitter for Google? Twoolge? Worse yet, Facebook, Myspace AND Twitter for Google? I'd make up a word for that, but my keyboard might explode. Really.
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Hearing aids: One of my hearing aid batteries quit on me today and I didn't have any extras in my purse. It's not that big of a deal, really. Just annoying. It's like all the sound in one ear just gets cut off. Makes me feel off-balance. But it's different when I deliberately choose to not wear one hearing aid (usually because the earmold doesn't fit right or something). That doesn't bother me. Getting caught without spare batteries does. Weird, right?
I buy batteries in packages of 16. They usually cost something like $13, $14 per package. Not great, not horrible. I change my batteries maybe once every couple weeks, or once every week and a half or so. So I figure I use four batteries a month. So one package can last me several months.
A few weeks ago, I walked into Radio Shack to get more batteries (Radio Shack is my supplier, yo). They were marked as $2.99 each. I thought for sure it was a typo and they were really $12.99 each. NOPE. They REALLY were $3 apiece, so I bought six packages. YUP. That is like two years' worth of batteries for $24!!! WIN.
I've been thinking about hearing loss and relationships. I've blogged a bit about that before (here, here, here, and here ) but I don't really talk about the good things. There are good things and there are good friends and people who DO want to help. I think that often I just look at the ways that hearing people do relationships and how much easier they have it. When I look at my own life and realize it doesn't look like theirs - I don't function like they do, make friends like they do, etc - I assume I've failed. I think that others don't care because they don't interact with me the same way they interact with others.
But the thing I need to get is that's not true. I haven't failed. Just because people interact with me differently doesn't mean they don't care. It does mean they have to put a little more effort in and yes, I think that sometimes people who haven't gotten to know me are intimidated by that, but for every one like that, there are five who aren't. And yes there are times when people forget to speak clearly or they look away or get a little impatient, but how can I fault them for that? How can I expect them to remember everything all the time? How can I, when I'm human, too?
I'm so grateful for my church. They WANT to help me communicate and get plugged in and DON'T WANT to see me isolate myself and they recognize the dangers of doing so. We're learning together, I think, how to navigate this communication thing. I'm so thankful for my friends there - who pick up a notebook and jot notes for me. Without asking. For friends who know sign language and can clue me in from across the room. ;)
I'm thankful for my friends and family (who I totally take for granted) who love me for ME and chastise me for ME and tease me for ME and not for my hearing aids. And even the stuff about me they don't like - that doesn't have anything to do with my hearing aids but everything to do with who I am as a person. I love them for doing things like having a quiet side conversation with me at a crowded party. For cheerfully planning one-on-one activities, for texting instead of calling, for tagging along to movies that are 30 miles away.
I wouldn't trade my job for anything. Not because of the work itself but because of my bosses and co-workers. They so freely and naturally clue me in when it's apparent I've lost my place in the conversation. They choose the quiet part of the restaurant when we go out to eat. They let me know what I missed when we have company-wide meetings. They say things like, "If you ever need anything, let me know!" "What can we do to help?" "What if we tried this?"
Man, I've really got it good.
In other news: I'm going to pull a Seth Meyers and do my own version of "REALLY?!" (the clip I linked to isn't captioned, so please forgive me if there's any offensive content!)
Winter Olympics? Really? The Olympics for cold-blooded creatures who think they're too cool for normal sports? Also known as the Games That Remove All Hilarity From Thursday Night's Lineup. Really?
Google's Buzz - REALLY? What is this? Facebook for Google? Foogle? Twitter for Google? Twoolge? Worse yet, Facebook, Myspace AND Twitter for Google? I'd make up a word for that, but my keyboard might explode. Really.
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
This is why I'm still single
Random fact of the day: I figured out why I'm still single. You know how everyone and their mom is doing that doppleganger thing on Facebook? I was bored, so I went to www.myheritage.com to find out which celebrity I most resemble. The results were catastrophic, and very telling of my marital status. After all, what (straight) respectable male would want to be the father of this person's babies:
YUP. Apparently, my #1 celebrity match is Elton John. Who is not even in the same gender pool as me. Ah, well. The mystery as to why I have never, ever been on a date is finally solved, my dear Watson!
Hearing Aids: Oh man. If I ever forget how much I love J-Pipe, all you have to do is wave this little morsel under my brain. Even though it's about not wasting your cancer, I think most of the points apply to other illnesses and disabilities as well. The ones that stuck out to me the most:
1.) You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it was designed for you by God. (I am going through a season where I'm struggling to wrap my head around this. This part of my theology used to come so easily - we suffer because Jesus suffered. Creation groans as a woman in childbirth. The best is yet to come. I get it. But for this season, it would appear the Lord has some more He wants to show me because I can't seem to let it go. I've got to know more about this strange concept of suffering being good and not just allowed by God, but designed by God. Isn't that so not what the world would say? I marvel at that.)
3.) You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death. (Ok, hearing loss doesn't carry a mortality rate, but I think we will waste everything if we do not think about death and the life beyond this one)
5.) You will waste your cancer if you think that "beating" cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ. (I don't plan to "beat" my hearing loss. I can't. What I try to do instead is develop some sort of worldly platitude like, "I won't let this hearing loss get me down; I'm going to be awesome and prevail in spite of it. I'll show them." Whoever "them" is. But that's all wrong. None of that matters if I'm not cherishing Christ)
7.) You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection. (Oh, ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. This is what I do, oh, 99% of the time. So, ouch)
8.) You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope. (I've said that I don't think I have or will ever stop grieving on some level for losing my hearing. But that's wrong. It wasn't mine to begin with, it was God's, so how can I grieve for what was never mine? And I do have hope - in Christ. I look forward to the day when I can hear and join in with the multitude around the throne and proclaim, "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain.")
In other news: Honestly, I'm just here to kill time before Lost comes on. Before the final season of Lost comes on. Ohhhh, the anticipation is running rampant in these here parts!
I have a decision to make in the next few months... my lease is up in July but I have to give the leasing office an answer by May. Stay here for another year? Move back to the city? Stay in the same area but a different residence? Get a roommate or go it alone? Decisions, decisions. What kinds of living experiences have you had?
YUP. Apparently, my #1 celebrity match is Elton John. Who is not even in the same gender pool as me. Ah, well. The mystery as to why I have never, ever been on a date is finally solved, my dear Watson!
Hearing Aids: Oh man. If I ever forget how much I love J-Pipe, all you have to do is wave this little morsel under my brain. Even though it's about not wasting your cancer, I think most of the points apply to other illnesses and disabilities as well. The ones that stuck out to me the most:
1.) You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it was designed for you by God. (I am going through a season where I'm struggling to wrap my head around this. This part of my theology used to come so easily - we suffer because Jesus suffered. Creation groans as a woman in childbirth. The best is yet to come. I get it. But for this season, it would appear the Lord has some more He wants to show me because I can't seem to let it go. I've got to know more about this strange concept of suffering being good and not just allowed by God, but designed by God. Isn't that so not what the world would say? I marvel at that.)
3.) You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death. (Ok, hearing loss doesn't carry a mortality rate, but I think we will waste everything if we do not think about death and the life beyond this one)
5.) You will waste your cancer if you think that "beating" cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ. (I don't plan to "beat" my hearing loss. I can't. What I try to do instead is develop some sort of worldly platitude like, "I won't let this hearing loss get me down; I'm going to be awesome and prevail in spite of it. I'll show them." Whoever "them" is. But that's all wrong. None of that matters if I'm not cherishing Christ)
7.) You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection. (Oh, ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. This is what I do, oh, 99% of the time. So, ouch)
8.) You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope. (I've said that I don't think I have or will ever stop grieving on some level for losing my hearing. But that's wrong. It wasn't mine to begin with, it was God's, so how can I grieve for what was never mine? And I do have hope - in Christ. I look forward to the day when I can hear and join in with the multitude around the throne and proclaim, "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain.")
In other news: Honestly, I'm just here to kill time before Lost comes on. Before the final season of Lost comes on. Ohhhh, the anticipation is running rampant in these here parts!
I have a decision to make in the next few months... my lease is up in July but I have to give the leasing office an answer by May. Stay here for another year? Move back to the city? Stay in the same area but a different residence? Get a roommate or go it alone? Decisions, decisions. What kinds of living experiences have you had?
Friday, January 29, 2010
Community + Chocolate = WIN
Random fact of the day: I've decided I really like the name Molly. My friend Molly cut my hair this week and it looks fabulous. I adore Molly Piper's blog. And let's be honest, Molly could totally take Kirsten in an American Girl showdown.
Hearing Aids: So I had this dream the other night (get used to me starting sentences like this. I do love me some whacked-out dreams) that I had a baby and she was crying and somehow, I knew that, but I was panicking because I couldn't find the baby monitor to tell me whether or not she was crying. (Okay, if I KNOW the baby's crying, why do I need the monitor? I don't understand my dreams, I just tell it like it happens) Anyway, I find the monitor and it blinks red when the baby cries. And I'm looking at it and all I can think is, "This is brilliant!! Someone should make a whole line of appliances JUST for hard of hearing people JUST so they can make sure they did, in fact, hear what they thought they heard." RANDOM.
For the record, there are a lot of things out there to help alert people with hearing loss. For example, I have a vibrating alarm clock. It's not very big and it has a clip on one end meant to be clipped to my pillow. I just throw it in my pillowcase and it usually shakes me awake in the morning. Except the last week or so, I keep sleeping through it. Might be time to change the batteries... or I've just been far more tired than I realized! ;)
In other news: I'm thinking about making some cupcakes and taking them to my neighbor across the hall. I've lived here five months and have yet to learn her name, even though I've had plenty of opportunities to do so.
I've been thinking a little bit more about community and I've decided I need to be more intentional where I live. I live in a suburb and my church is in the urban core. They're all about being intentional and really have a heart for the city. But I don't live in the city, I live just outside of it. I used to live there, though (not the urban core, but not far from it, either), so it would be easy for me to do my living there. Like today, I had a bunch of clothes to donate to Goodwill and I wanted to take them to the one in my old neighborhood because it benefits a mission I like to support. But there's also a Salvation Army Family Store in my itty bitty suburb, and I ended up taking my clothes there instead. Because that's where I live. That's where my neighbors shop, where they get clothes for their kids and dishes for their kitchen. I want to help them out, because that's what good neighbors do.
I hope that "community" isn't limited to my address and I imagine my life is made up of a lot of different communities. But I also think that we are called to love Jesus and love others where we are. I've been feeling guilty because I feel like I don't do enough. It's clear to me that the urban core of my metro area is hurting. They need Jesus. I have friends who work with them, I know the stories and the pain. I scratched the surface of it when I was involved in the deaf youth group. I know it's bad. And I feel guilty that I don't do more.
But the kicker is just that - I feel guilty, not convicted. I heard someone say once that Satan makes you feel guilty, but the Spirit convicts you. And if I'm not feeling that conviction, then I need to trust that I'm not being disobedient and don't have a reason to feel guilty for "not doing more."
What I do feel convicted about is not doing anything in my very own zip code. I mope around and wonder how to not waste this life. I worry about hitting 30 and having nothing to show for it. I spend my nights alone catching up on Lost or trolling the internet. Meanwhile, I have neighbors I could be meeting or community activities I could be involved in.
So that's why I will make cupcakes. Anything with chocolate in it is a good first step, right? ;)
Hearing Aids: So I had this dream the other night (get used to me starting sentences like this. I do love me some whacked-out dreams) that I had a baby and she was crying and somehow, I knew that, but I was panicking because I couldn't find the baby monitor to tell me whether or not she was crying. (Okay, if I KNOW the baby's crying, why do I need the monitor? I don't understand my dreams, I just tell it like it happens) Anyway, I find the monitor and it blinks red when the baby cries. And I'm looking at it and all I can think is, "This is brilliant!! Someone should make a whole line of appliances JUST for hard of hearing people JUST so they can make sure they did, in fact, hear what they thought they heard." RANDOM.
For the record, there are a lot of things out there to help alert people with hearing loss. For example, I have a vibrating alarm clock. It's not very big and it has a clip on one end meant to be clipped to my pillow. I just throw it in my pillowcase and it usually shakes me awake in the morning. Except the last week or so, I keep sleeping through it. Might be time to change the batteries... or I've just been far more tired than I realized! ;)
In other news: I'm thinking about making some cupcakes and taking them to my neighbor across the hall. I've lived here five months and have yet to learn her name, even though I've had plenty of opportunities to do so.
I've been thinking a little bit more about community and I've decided I need to be more intentional where I live. I live in a suburb and my church is in the urban core. They're all about being intentional and really have a heart for the city. But I don't live in the city, I live just outside of it. I used to live there, though (not the urban core, but not far from it, either), so it would be easy for me to do my living there. Like today, I had a bunch of clothes to donate to Goodwill and I wanted to take them to the one in my old neighborhood because it benefits a mission I like to support. But there's also a Salvation Army Family Store in my itty bitty suburb, and I ended up taking my clothes there instead. Because that's where I live. That's where my neighbors shop, where they get clothes for their kids and dishes for their kitchen. I want to help them out, because that's what good neighbors do.
I hope that "community" isn't limited to my address and I imagine my life is made up of a lot of different communities. But I also think that we are called to love Jesus and love others where we are. I've been feeling guilty because I feel like I don't do enough. It's clear to me that the urban core of my metro area is hurting. They need Jesus. I have friends who work with them, I know the stories and the pain. I scratched the surface of it when I was involved in the deaf youth group. I know it's bad. And I feel guilty that I don't do more.
But the kicker is just that - I feel guilty, not convicted. I heard someone say once that Satan makes you feel guilty, but the Spirit convicts you. And if I'm not feeling that conviction, then I need to trust that I'm not being disobedient and don't have a reason to feel guilty for "not doing more."
What I do feel convicted about is not doing anything in my very own zip code. I mope around and wonder how to not waste this life. I worry about hitting 30 and having nothing to show for it. I spend my nights alone catching up on Lost or trolling the internet. Meanwhile, I have neighbors I could be meeting or community activities I could be involved in.
So that's why I will make cupcakes. Anything with chocolate in it is a good first step, right? ;)
Friday, January 8, 2010
Missional living
Sometimes I feel like I'm living a part of church history that my (hypothetical) kids and grandkids will learn about when they're my age. The generations before me had Billy Graham, Dwight Moody, the Wesleys, Jonathan Edwards... my generation has Matt Chandler, Mark Driscoll and John Piper, to name a few. (And I like to refer to them as Marky D and J-Pipe. Just so you know) I have great respect for these men, but I'm the first to admit that sometimes I feel a little bit lost with the Reformed culture of today. I go to an Acts 29 church, and churches in that network tend to espouse things like Truth, Worship, Beauty, Community, Missional Living, etc in their core values. It all sounds so eloquent and right and biblical from the pulpit but sometimes it makes me uncomfortable. I'm not really sure why. Maybe uncomfortable in a "pushing me out of my comfort zone" way. Which is rarely a bad thing. I guess sometimes I think that people get so caught up in pursuing those things that they manage to leave Jesus out of it somehow. But I guess that can be true of any church, regardless of the denomination.
Something I really struggle with is the concept of missional living. The way I understand it, it basically means to love Jesus where you are, work to show others around you (your community) who He is. Pretty much what almost every Christian has heard except it's much more intentional. The pastors at my church, for example, purposefully moved INTO urban core of the city and form friendships with their neighbors, their kids' school friends, etc. I'm not sure why I struggle with this. Sometimes I think it's sneaky, like you have an ulterior motive for loving people. Other times, it just forces me to think about what's more important to me - my safety, health, convenience, etc, or loving Jesus.
But today I think I figured out the underlying issue - being missional means talking to people. To strangers, more specifically. This is so not my forte. Communicating with people I know and love is hard enough - throw a stranger into the mix and we have one very anxious Lucy! :) The thought of forcing myself to meet my neighbors or chat it up with the cashier at the grocery store - even in the name of Jesus - seems exhausting to me. It's so easy for me to write it off and think that well then, I must just not be one of those people who can be that effective in the body of Christ. I've basically tried to convince myself that I'm exempt from Scripture. I know it's fruitless to think so, but kind of funny. I am sure God had a good laugh at that reasoning. :)
Anyway, there's a new church plant in my area and I was reading the pastor's blog. He was talking about missional living and I thought, here we go again. But even though I've heard it before, it felt like I was considering this for the first time: "Do something that you love to do." He gave an example of how his wife loves to bake so she bakes her little heart out and shares the goodies with the neighbors. Not long ago, I was telling a friend of mine that I wanted to volunteer and I knew that hospitals needed people to hold the babies. But I told her I felt kind of selfish - wasn't I just satisfying my own need/desire by wanting to do that? She pointed out that it's ok to do love Jesus by doing something you love.
This isn't really a new concept - I probably heard it as "use the gifts God gave you" when I was growing up. But phrasing it like that seems like an obligation somehow. "Do what you love to the glory of God" sounds more freeing somehow. Like God instilled within me a desire to write, so I can write and do it cheerfully and excitedly and passionately... and isn't that what He wants, anyway? "God loves a cheerful giver." (2 Corinthians 9:7) And isn't that who HE is anyway? Cheerful and excited and passionate! :)
Something I really struggle with is the concept of missional living. The way I understand it, it basically means to love Jesus where you are, work to show others around you (your community) who He is. Pretty much what almost every Christian has heard except it's much more intentional. The pastors at my church, for example, purposefully moved INTO urban core of the city and form friendships with their neighbors, their kids' school friends, etc. I'm not sure why I struggle with this. Sometimes I think it's sneaky, like you have an ulterior motive for loving people. Other times, it just forces me to think about what's more important to me - my safety, health, convenience, etc, or loving Jesus.
But today I think I figured out the underlying issue - being missional means talking to people. To strangers, more specifically. This is so not my forte. Communicating with people I know and love is hard enough - throw a stranger into the mix and we have one very anxious Lucy! :) The thought of forcing myself to meet my neighbors or chat it up with the cashier at the grocery store - even in the name of Jesus - seems exhausting to me. It's so easy for me to write it off and think that well then, I must just not be one of those people who can be that effective in the body of Christ. I've basically tried to convince myself that I'm exempt from Scripture. I know it's fruitless to think so, but kind of funny. I am sure God had a good laugh at that reasoning. :)
Anyway, there's a new church plant in my area and I was reading the pastor's blog. He was talking about missional living and I thought, here we go again. But even though I've heard it before, it felt like I was considering this for the first time: "Do something that you love to do." He gave an example of how his wife loves to bake so she bakes her little heart out and shares the goodies with the neighbors. Not long ago, I was telling a friend of mine that I wanted to volunteer and I knew that hospitals needed people to hold the babies. But I told her I felt kind of selfish - wasn't I just satisfying my own need/desire by wanting to do that? She pointed out that it's ok to do love Jesus by doing something you love.
This isn't really a new concept - I probably heard it as "use the gifts God gave you" when I was growing up. But phrasing it like that seems like an obligation somehow. "Do what you love to the glory of God" sounds more freeing somehow. Like God instilled within me a desire to write, so I can write and do it cheerfully and excitedly and passionately... and isn't that what He wants, anyway? "God loves a cheerful giver." (2 Corinthians 9:7) And isn't that who HE is anyway? Cheerful and excited and passionate! :)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Weight of glory
Random fact of the day: Chipotle sauce is spicy. You knew this. I, however, am a slow learner and can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that Chipotle, the restaurant, does not have to be spicy, but chipotle, the sauce in my Panera sandwich today, IS. I was almost in tears after the third bite.
Hearing aids: I'm getting tired of this Netflix thing. I wrote a rough draft of a letter, plan to revise it and get some signatures this week (or next, really. The weather forecast isn't looking too promising).
My life really is not all about being hard of hearing. It is the filter through which I view everything. The decisions I make about where to go and when to run errands and how long I stay somewhere and what I watch, just to name a few, are made with hearing loss in mind. But sometimes I get tired of thinking about it (which is probably why I love TV so much... it's a great way to escape for a bit!) Because even though I made this blog to vent and share what life is like when you wear hearing aids, that's not all there is to me and it's not all there is to this life.
The sermon passage at church on Sunday was from 2 Corinthians 4 and I'm thankful for the reminder of verses 17-18: "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
Hearing aids are transient. Thanks be to God.
In other news: More snow. "Yay," she said flatly.
Hearing aids: I'm getting tired of this Netflix thing. I wrote a rough draft of a letter, plan to revise it and get some signatures this week (or next, really. The weather forecast isn't looking too promising).
My life really is not all about being hard of hearing. It is the filter through which I view everything. The decisions I make about where to go and when to run errands and how long I stay somewhere and what I watch, just to name a few, are made with hearing loss in mind. But sometimes I get tired of thinking about it (which is probably why I love TV so much... it's a great way to escape for a bit!) Because even though I made this blog to vent and share what life is like when you wear hearing aids, that's not all there is to me and it's not all there is to this life.
The sermon passage at church on Sunday was from 2 Corinthians 4 and I'm thankful for the reminder of verses 17-18: "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
Hearing aids are transient. Thanks be to God.
In other news: More snow. "Yay," she said flatly.
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